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Archive for the ‘Being a Widow’ Category

No Workout Today Either

Friday, September 24th, 2010

Hi, friends!

I’m really trying not to sound like Eeyore when I say I’m not working out today, but it’s hard! :-)

I so want to go out and do something (ANYTHING!), but my legs just hurt. So I rest. I’m watching my diet much more effectively than usual since I’m not working out. I really don’t want to get better and feel the immediate need to lose the 5 pounds I gained recovering.

At this point, I think I’m just going to rest until the soreness is completely gone. Apparently, I jumped back in too soon last weekend thinking everything was okay. Everything is definitely not okay in my body right now. On top of the soreness, I just don’t feel right.

I honestly don’t understand it. I didn’t push myself hard this week. That doesn’t really matter though because my body feels pushed and is fighting back. So I rest.

Rest is boring. I can’t believe I used to be sedentary. Yikes. How did I fill my time?

On the plus side, my fiancé (LOVE THAT!) said I can celebrate my birthday (which is next Wednesday) this weekend at home and next weekend in Las Vegas so I decided I would start celebrating last night and stop (maybe) when we get home on October 4. That sounds reasonable, right? :-D

I’ll be all alone in Chicago on my actual birthday. I’m not really sad about that. It’s a consequence of the job I do, and it’s happened before. As long as I get the celebration time with my family, I don’t care if it actually happens on my day.

I SO love birthdays! I’ll be 39 this year. Holy cow. I remember turning 30 and feeling so incredibly old, but then I lost my first husband and age just didn’t matter anymore. I celebrate every day now, not just birthdays. That is how I honor him and me. That’s how I (hopefully) show my kids that life is awesome and amazing and not to be taken for granted.

So…while I’m complaining a little about this soreness keeping me from working out, I’m also thanking God that I was able to make myself this sore. That is a gift, a truly amazing gift. I’m so blessed.

What are you celebrating this weekend? Fall? A couple days off? A birthday?

Posted in Being a Widow, Diet, Exercise, Holidays | Comments Off

So Not Feeling It

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Hi, friends!

Well, I hit the wrong button on the alarm this morning. I hate when that happens. Technically, I still dozed in and out early enough that I could have gotten up to work out, but I just didn’t talk myself into it. The stairs are going to have to wait until after work. I’m not sure what that will do to my workout schedule for the rest of the week, but whatever it does, I’ll adjust.

I just was not feeling it this morning. I’m having a hard time getting to and staying asleep again. I’ve battled sleep off and on ever since Kyle died. I tend to have the worst fights with it around certain important dates from my previous life. The upcoming date in question is my wedding anniversary. We should be celebrating 17 years of marriage mid-next-week. Sad smile.

It’s still impossible to imagine he’s not here sometimes. I wish he could see his kids. I wish that a ton.

Anyway, writing about why I can’t sleep often ends the trouble. I have no idea why, but it does. It’s almost like I can’t sleep until I honor his memory with some words. Is that weird? It sounds weird now that I read it. Oh well. Widowhood is weird.

When I feel like this, I like to remind myself how good life is. I know it’s true. In no particular order…I have a good job. I have amazing kids. I have a healthy, supportive relationship. I have kind, strong friends. I have a huge, fun family. I have faith. I have health. I have everything I truly need and many things I want.

Life is good.

Seriously.

What helps you remember how good life is when you aren’t feeling it? Do you make a list?

Posted in Being a Widow, Exercise | Comments Off

Where Is My Brain Today?

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

Hi, friends!

I’m wondering where my brain is today. Do you have days like that? I think we all do. I’m all over the place really.

My workout was weak this morning. I cycled about 50 minutes. The view of the city when I turned around to come back south along the lake was phenomenal though. I love being outside when the sun comes up. (I don’t love getting out of bed while it’s dark though. It would be nice to have one without the other.) I say it was a weak workout simply because my legs just didn’t have it in them to push hard. I’m still recovering from those four zany workouts Monday. I feel good, just physically tired.

I do feel good. I feel strong today. I realized on my way to the bathroom, which is on the 3rd floor, a little while ago that I’ve already climbed 7 floors today just in the course of being alive. I’m not counting those toward my 800 floors for August because they aren’t workout stairs. (I’m nutty like that.) I just feel so great to have become the-girl-who-takes-the-stairs. I would never have predicted that when I was at 234 pounds.

Another lingering thought I have, along those same lines, has to do with what Kyle would think of who I am now. I keep thinking I could ride my bicycle from Dad’s to the cemetery. How weird would it be to tell Kyle I rode there? Everyone says he’d be proud of me, and on some level, I know they’re right. I feel guilty because I didn’t change my life in time to save his. (Oh, how being a widow can play with your brain.) Would he have made these changes with me and lost 200+ pounds? We’ll never know. I think it’s possible. I feel bad about that.

To feel all that and be in love, building a new relationship at the same time is so odd. Honestly, to feel all that and just be happy is odd. Being a widow and being a happy person didn’t feel possible not all that long ago. I wish I could explain it, but I honestly don’t understand it.

Life is a million things all at once; you can interpret them as positive or negative. Which of those you choose 99% of the time is what matters. I choose positive. It’s just more fun. (I know this because I used to choose the other way, and my life kinda blew.)

I’m completely random today, huh? I really don’t know where my brain is except to say it’s all over the place. I think I said that already. I’m so scattered. :-)

Where’s your brain today? Are you making your today awesome?

Posted in Being a Widow, Exercise | Comments Off

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